My Oscar Wrap Up : Gift Bag Breakdown

Fonograf / Capitol Records

Fonograf / Capitol Records

Beck had nothing to do with The Oscars but I'm listening to his new record as I type this. Maybe you can listen to it while you read it.

I didn't actually watch the Oscars. I'm not judging you if you did. Well, I guess I kind of am but I have no right really. I watch WWE Monday Night Raw every week. If that's not a stones-glass house situation I don't know what is. Maybe, to make it even, you can judge we for watching wrasslin' and I can judge you for watching the Oscars. Deal? Awesome. You are so lame for watching the Oscars. I mean, get a life.

Now you go....

Good one. Consider me burned.

I'm not going to tell you who won anything but I will breakdown the gift bags. I don't begrudge the (in most cases) already wealthy actors for accepting these gift bags because you would accept them. I would accept them. I would fight Bruce Dern for his. I don't care how old he is. I would punch him in the face if I though it would yield a gift bag. On a side note, you are welcome to start referring to something tawdry you engage in as 'Punching Bruce Dern In The Face'....if you know what I mean.

Okay. Gift bags. The items in this year's gift bag added up to $85,000.00 worth of stuff. Since you and I have that much on us right now, it's not a big deal to us but to the peasants we employ it likely would seem like a lot.

Here are a few items of note:

$16,000 toward a hair transplant
$15,000 walking tour around Japan
$9,000 trip to Las Vegas
$6,850 two-day Rocky Mountaineer train trip in the Canadian Rockies
$5,000 toward laser hair removal and cosmetic surgery
$2,700 "O-shot" procedure to help a woman's sex drive
$120 pink and Camo mace pepper guns
$35 six-pack of herbal tea-based lollipops


Listen, it's easy to get one of these gift bags. Here's what you need:

Be super attractive (or hire a kick ass photoshop / make up crew)

Be super rich (Poor people don't get fancy gift bags. They would no longer BE poor. It just doesn't make sense.)

Be super famous.

Stop complaining about it and do the stuff on this list. All I ask is that you hook me up with the herbal tea suckers and the mace/pepper guns.

For obvious reasons.

Hooray for Hollywood.

I'd rather watch wrestling.

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