Poopy Cake! First Post of 2014. [Audio]

Happy New Year, ma man. I haven't been blogging at all throughout the holidays and it's been pretty fantastic. I had planned on resuming the writing on Monday but I wanted my first post of 2014 to mean something you know? I wanted to write about something packed with profundity.

New Zealand Herald

Facebook

I've decided upon Poopy Cake. Profound Poopy Cake.

A baker in New Zealand sent this cake to a customer after a financial dispute. Emma McDonald, Owner of Oh Cakes,  posted about it on Facebook saying, "I have a brilliant cake idea for your cake!!! - so here it is, your turd cake. Hope you learn your lesson." McDonald has said that she isn't sorry about the cake and Harris was forced to order a new cake from another baker.

I wish all disputes could be settled via pastries and/or confectionary items. No more fist fights, no more violence-just super disgusting looking cakes. The real question is, would you eat the turd cake? I think YOU would. Sicko. You have to give it to her on the attention to detail front as the peanuts are a nice touch.

For more on this story check the audio below where you can also hear me discuss Lindsey Von being taken out by Vladimir Putin and Superbowl commercials. I should have told you ahead of time that you could just listen to this story rather than read it but I feel like you need to read more. In the coming weeks I plan on posting complex math problems and sentences for you to diagram as well. New year, new you buddy. Feel the burn. The brain burn.

OH...I'd like to start a new thing with my posts this year by mentioning what I'm listening to as I'm writing. So I'll start with this post....and likely stop doing it 3 posts from now. I always have such lofty blogoals.

 

Now Playing:  Opeth "Wreath" from the album 'Deliverance'.

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Site, Social Media Sabbatical

Hey, ma man. I've been on a glorious blogging, social media sabbatical which will continue thru 1/5 but I wanted to briefly break said sabbatical to say thanks to you for using some of your valuable time to read posts on the site, listen to my radio shows or podcasts. You're the best! I hope your holiday season has been (and continues to be) fantastic. You deserve it. Brochacho.

I have big podcast, website and radio plans for 2014. Big, big. Jerry.

 

My best of 2013 music list will be posted on 1/5. Really. Probably. There's an outside possibility.

 

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Get Your Daughter A Unicorn For Christmas…If You Love Her

A couple of guys.... or Unicorn breeders... are selling , you know, a couple of unicorns on Craigslist.

People put stupid crap on Craigslist and E Bay on a regular basis but it's not usually funny. These guys are funny because of their attention to detail. I mean, they are the ONLY fully licensed unicorn breeder in North America, and are NUBAA certified. You got that right - NUBAA certified. Sucka. You throw together some letters and the word certified and people take note. The second best part of the ad is the 'serious inquiries only' line. It's really pretty fantastic. The bottom line is, if you have  daughter, you really should pony up the $930000 per unicorn (they MUST be sold together) to prove your love for her and IMMEDIATELY start your search for a Minotaur to do the same for your son. The internet is magic. Man.

See the ad here. Pal.

Are minotaurs still cool?

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Word Of The Year

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As I'm sure you're now well aware, 'selfie' has been chosen by the Oxford Dictionary as the word of the year based on a 17,000 percent rise in its usage from last year. Suck on that 'twerk'. 17,000 also happens to be the number of selfies, taken, cropped, filtered and posted in the time it's taken me to type this.

Hey.

We take too many pictures of ourselves. Right? Don't we? I mean, I feel like if you're going to post a pic of you that you took, you should be standing in front of a tiger or maybe Mt. Rushmore, or Lady Gaga or something out of the ordinary. Maybe you're growing horns or a cycloptic eye in your forehead. Awesome! Post away. You, wearing a hot new red scarf is not interesting to anyone but you and the pervy dudes who will like whatever pic you post due to said pervosity.

I know you love you and you should love you. YOU are super lovable but, man, you take too many pics of you. Someone has to tell you and it may as well be me. Actually painting and or drawing self portraits is a different kind of creepy but it does took a lot of skill and a super massive level of narcissism so I can kind of respect that.

My point is, rather than take pics of yourself and posting those, why don't you post pics of your dinner and post those. EVERYONE wants to see that.

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Man Erects Inappropriate Statue

First of all stop laughing at the word, erect. Grow up.

I'm going to start a new weekly feature called inappropriate statues. In my first installment, I give you this beauty:

 

WJBK/Lenka Tuohy

WJBK/Lenka Tuohy

A Michigan man bought a house next door to his ex-wife (and kids) because he's a dumbass. Why would you move next door to your ex-wife? To be close to your kids, I guess? Either way, man, that's dumbassery.

To take it to another level , he had that statue built. I posted the blurred out version because you're incredibly fragile AND there's no way of knowing what's behind the blur. The blur is the m***********g asterisk of photography.

Alan Markovitz, who moved into the home in Bloomfield Hills, said he never meant for the matter to be public. Right. That's how I keep things on the down low too - I commission the creation of 12 foot tall, inappropriate statues. All of this means there is  sculptor in Michigan who was not phased when asked to create such a thing as I guess he/she does that sort of thing on the regular. It is Michigan I guess. People are mad there, I'm told.

If you want to keep things secret, don't have giant statues erected. You laughed at the word again. Mature.

I'll be doing a story about beavers and Uranus coming up that will likely cause you to explode. Grow up.

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50 Shades Of Herpes

Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group

Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group

 

I haven't read 50 Shades Of Grey but I think you have. You seem like the type. The pervy, smut reading type. You're not? Yeah. Keep saying that. I do like book learning and book reading but haven't experienced the floozery of that one yet. Any minute thread of interest in reading it has been eradicated by the discovery of herpes infected copies of 50 Shades in the Belgian Public Library System. By the way, if I were to start a secret organization (that would most likely evolve/devolve into a criminal empire/syndicate and/or Hall & Oates-esque singing duo) I'd totally call it the Belgian Public Library System.

Anyway, for whatever reason, Belgian library officials thought to check the 10 most checked out books for the clap and other STD's  and found herpes on 50 Shades Of Grey. I kind of feel like that's a risk you take when reading smut. You know the risks, man.

In addition to the privates scurvy, they found traces of cocaine on other books in the top 10. I've suspected those Twilight Books were laced with some sort of addictive substance for some time so I feel some vindication here. On the bright side, now that word has gotten out the books may be drug laden, library card sign ups should go through the roof.

I guess the over all message here is, never, ever read. Not even this. Stop it. Right now.

While you're at it, you should probably skip math too. Be safe out there.

 

 

 

 

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