Leaf Blowers Are Stupid. And They Are Not Jet Packs.

A Leaf Blower

A Leaf Blower

 

 

I used a leaf blower today. I use a leaf blower quite often. I use the backpack kind pictured above because, I mean, it's the badassest kind of leaf blower you can get and I am a badass. So..duh. Sure, I could use a broom but using that logic, I could churn butter and chop down a forest with an ax to build my family home.

NO.

The thing about leaf blowers is, we essentially use them to blow our crap to our neighbors' house. 'Here you go, buddy, I have some leaves, dust and assorted weed spores comin' your way!' I don't really know how it is we even tolerate the use of leaf blowers. They're loud, move my junk to your house machines.

The WORST thing about them is, they look like 1970's style jet packs.

Jet Pack International

Jet Pack International

Leaf blowers are NOT jet packs but, look at it. It LOOKS like a jet pack. It isn't though. A jet pack could blow leaves, easy but a leaf blower cannot fly you anywhere.

Leaf blowers are stupid. Jet packs will ALWAYS be awesome.

Chin up, leaf blowers. You're no jet pack but you'll always be better than brooms.

Suck it, brooms.

 

 

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My Oscar Wrap Up : Gift Bag Breakdown

Fonograf / Capitol Records

Fonograf / Capitol Records

Beck had nothing to do with The Oscars but I'm listening to his new record as I type this. Maybe you can listen to it while you read it.

I didn't actually watch the Oscars. I'm not judging you if you did. Well, I guess I kind of am but I have no right really. I watch WWE Monday Night Raw every week. If that's not a stones-glass house situation I don't know what is. Maybe, to make it even, you can judge we for watching wrasslin' and I can judge you for watching the Oscars. Deal? Awesome. You are so lame for watching the Oscars. I mean, get a life.

Now you go....

Good one. Consider me burned.

I'm not going to tell you who won anything but I will breakdown the gift bags. I don't begrudge the (in most cases) already wealthy actors for accepting these gift bags because you would accept them. I would accept them. I would fight Bruce Dern for his. I don't care how old he is. I would punch him in the face if I though it would yield a gift bag. On a side note, you are welcome to start referring to something tawdry you engage in as 'Punching Bruce Dern In The Face'....if you know what I mean.

Okay. Gift bags. The items in this year's gift bag added up to $85,000.00 worth of stuff. Since you and I have that much on us right now, it's not a big deal to us but to the peasants we employ it likely would seem like a lot.

Here are a few items of note:

$16,000 toward a hair transplant
$15,000 walking tour around Japan
$9,000 trip to Las Vegas
$6,850 two-day Rocky Mountaineer train trip in the Canadian Rockies
$5,000 toward laser hair removal and cosmetic surgery
$2,700 "O-shot" procedure to help a woman's sex drive
$120 pink and Camo mace pepper guns
$35 six-pack of herbal tea-based lollipops

 

Listen, it's easy to get one of these gift bags. Here's what you need:

Be super attractive (or hire a kick ass photoshop / make up crew)

Be super rich (Poor people don't get fancy gift bags. They would no longer BE poor. It just doesn't make sense.)

Be super famous.

Stop complaining about it and do the stuff on this list. All I ask is that you hook me up with the herbal tea suckers and the mace/pepper guns.

For obvious reasons.

Hooray for Hollywood.

I'd rather watch wrestling.

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Knock It Off Dummies : Don’t Row Tiny Boats Over Whales Edition (Video)

Hey. If you're rowing a boat in the ocean, first of all it better be because you are at a super fancy resort where they have those little rope deals showing you where it's safe to row OR you should be fleeing from the law after a carefully thought out bank heist. Even though if it WERE carefully thought out you probably wouldn't be rowing in the ocean. It;s just a dumb place to row. Row in a lake. Row in a river. Row on one of those machines Frank has in House Of Cards.

If you row in ANY of those other places I mentioned (save maybe Frank's house) you won't get smacked in the face by a whale. Do you know how many whales have wanted to smack us in our stupid faces? ALL OF THEM. Every whale. Ever. They float around with their VW Bug sized lungs making that crazy ass moaning sound and all they're saying is, "Man if I could punch those idiots in their idiot faces."

If whales were floating around us, ogling us, constantly mentioning how crazy our language is, we'd want to smack them in the face too. Of course if we did, they would swallow us and we'd live out our days with the other people inside that whale.

Hey. Don't row over whales.

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(Lack Of) Site Updates

Hey buddy. I know you think this site is the only reason to pay your internet bills so you've probably...DEFINITELY been pretty bummed out by the unsteady stream of updates as of late. It's mainly due to me not wanting to spend time typing and the fact that I run numerous (mostly) sinister enterprises so I'm forced to prioritize and this site does not make me money. If you give me money, that would be cool. Give me money.

Things should go back to normal soon and I have some cool plans for the site so I hope you'll stay with me. You can subscribe to get e-mails when the site is updated which could free up all that time you've been using maniacally hitting refresh over and over again.

You're the best!

Oh and I'm hardly ever on any Social Media platforms anymore because they will clearly lead to the downfall of mankind and I kind of loathe them. Can you kind of loathe something?

Anyway, best place to contact me is here on the site. Or with morse code. Or smoke signals. Or carrier pigeons. Or baseball style dugout hand gestures.

I DO plan on typing my new music picks for this week. That should show up sometime tonight...

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Your Hot Tub Rash Is Disgusting (Science Corner)

As a general rule I steer clear of public hot tubs based solely on the fact that half-naked strangers have been sitting (at best) in luke warm water. You don't get to bitch about skin discomfort after hopping out of the public hot tub. There can't possibly be a better breeding ground for germs. You may as well just lick complete strangers and cut to the chase. Gross.

Anyway, a new study by the CDC says betwixt 2009-2010, 40 percent of recreational water related disease outbreaks occurred betwixt February and March. You get hot tub rash (I'm not posting the Latin name..don't pretend you speak Latin) by getting in skeezy hot tubs and frankly, you have it coming. Stop getting in skeezy hot tubs. That's, coincidentally, my creedo and I have it tramp stamped as a lasting reminder. It's a good rule of thumb to live by,

I should really end it there but I should point out, not ALL hot tubs are skeezy but if you're suffering from good time symptoms like pus-filled blisters around hair follicles you may have Hot Tub Rash, ma man. Congratulations.

Experts say to avoid pus-filled blisters, NEVER leave your house. Ever. In fact abstain from human contact of any kind if you want to be safe. They also say take a shower before you get in the hot tub but how in the hell will that help me? That just helps the next guy and, man, I have WAY too much going on to worry about that. Additionally they warn those suffering from diarrhea to stay away from public bodies of water. File that under 'Stuff You Should Never Need To Be Told'.

The best thing to do is get your own hot tub and NEVER let anyone else get in. It might get weird when your friends come over and you make them sit in lawn chairs while you enjoy the satisfying pulsation of precision jets but it's better than pus filled blisters around hair follicles and they can get their own damn hot tub.

I DID just write about that to gross you out. Gross.

Happy hot tubbing buddy.

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