Bits & Snatches Quickie: Short Names, Bro App, Spider Face Edition (Audio)

In this Bits & Snatches Quickie I will regale you with information on a new study that claims we don't trust people with long names, an app that perpetuates the 'all guys is so dumb and uncaring' stereotype and a really stupid way to deal with arachnophobia involving ink and a guy's face.

Don't forget to subscribe to my full length podcast in Stitcher and/or iTunes and throw me a rating. A good one, preferably. Buddy.

 

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Bits & Snatches Quickie : Bad, Rich Parents, FB Knows You, Spanking Bears (Audio)

Metal Blade Records

Metal Blade Records

 

In this thrilling Bits & Snatches Quickie, I discuss how lucky you are to NOT have rich parents. I pity those with rich parents. Poor, rich bastards. The next story just further solidifies my stance regarding Facebook and its eventual ruination of our society/civilization and I'll wrap things up with a story about spanking bears. That is NOT a euphemism for something else. It should be though. Start trying to get that out there with phrases like "He was spanking the bear, if you know what I'm sayin' (pervy laugh)."

Click and be dazzled!

Oh, I used the Sahg album cover in this post because the record is awesome. It has nothing to do with anything. Just a reminder.

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Bits & Snatches Quickie: Crack Pipes, Philanthropy and A Crime Dog Gone Bad (Audio)

Click and be dazzled by stories about crack pipe vending machines, Mark Zuckerberg and McGruff the Crime Dog. If you're not listening to my radio shows, how dare you. I KNOW you have an internet connection.

Station list here.

 

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Poopy Cake! First Post of 2014. [Audio]

Happy New Year, ma man. I haven't been blogging at all throughout the holidays and it's been pretty fantastic. I had planned on resuming the writing on Monday but I wanted my first post of 2014 to mean something you know? I wanted to write about something packed with profundity.

New Zealand Herald

Facebook

I've decided upon Poopy Cake. Profound Poopy Cake.

A baker in New Zealand sent this cake to a customer after a financial dispute. Emma McDonald, Owner of Oh Cakes,  posted about it on Facebook saying, "I have a brilliant cake idea for your cake!!! - so here it is, your turd cake. Hope you learn your lesson." McDonald has said that she isn't sorry about the cake and Harris was forced to order a new cake from another baker.

I wish all disputes could be settled via pastries and/or confectionary items. No more fist fights, no more violence-just super disgusting looking cakes. The real question is, would you eat the turd cake? I think YOU would. Sicko. You have to give it to her on the attention to detail front as the peanuts are a nice touch.

For more on this story check the audio below where you can also hear me discuss Lindsey Von being taken out by Vladimir Putin and Superbowl commercials. I should have told you ahead of time that you could just listen to this story rather than read it but I feel like you need to read more. In the coming weeks I plan on posting complex math problems and sentences for you to diagram as well. New year, new you buddy. Feel the burn. The brain burn.

OH...I'd like to start a new thing with my posts this year by mentioning what I'm listening to as I'm writing. So I'll start with this post....and likely stop doing it 3 posts from now. I always have such lofty blogoals.

 

Now Playing:  Opeth "Wreath" from the album 'Deliverance'.

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Antibacterial Soap Doesn’t Work. George Carlin Was Right. (Video)

First of all, the video clip is from the HBO Special, George Carlin : You're All Diseased. I don't want to get sued. You can buy it here. You should. It's brilliant. I am not a fan of stand up comedy in general because, like most things, most comedians are mediocre and not worth my valuable time. I'm a HUGE fan of Louis CK, Marc Maron (and his EXCELLENT podcast) and anyone who knows me even a little bit knows my affinity for Jerry Seinfeld but the greatest stand up ever is George Carlin. He wasn't even really a stand up. He was more of a philosopher who said f**k a lot. A LOT.

Anyway, new research shows antibacterial soap is essentially bunk. It not only is not more effective than standard soap and water, it can actually be hazardous and lead to bacterial resistance and interfere with hormone levels. That doesn't mean you shouldn't wash your hands though, turd hands. Just wash them with soap. And sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star while you wash so you know you've washed them long enough. Oprah told me.

Now enjoy the genius of Carlin. Also, know that this clip is LOUSY with foul language. It's almost exclusively foul language.

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Get Your Daughter A Unicorn For Christmas…If You Love Her

A couple of guys.... or Unicorn breeders... are selling , you know, a couple of unicorns on Craigslist.

People put stupid crap on Craigslist and E Bay on a regular basis but it's not usually funny. These guys are funny because of their attention to detail. I mean, they are the ONLY fully licensed unicorn breeder in North America, and are NUBAA certified. You got that right - NUBAA certified. Sucka. You throw together some letters and the word certified and people take note. The second best part of the ad is the 'serious inquiries only' line. It's really pretty fantastic. The bottom line is, if you have  daughter, you really should pony up the $930000 per unicorn (they MUST be sold together) to prove your love for her and IMMEDIATELY start your search for a Minotaur to do the same for your son. The internet is magic. Man.

See the ad here. Pal.

Are minotaurs still cool?

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